Angry with God….

Posted on May 15, 2014 by Sean T. Smith

One of my favorite movie scenes is from Forest Gump, when Lt. Dan rages from the crow’s nest of his shrimp boat in the middle of a hurricane, shaking his fist at the heavens. Feeling betrayed by God, the universe, and life comes naturally to us, I think. It certainly does for me.

A central tenet of Christianity is the acceptance of God’s supremacy, and that in the end “all things work according to the good.” When looking at hurricanes, genocides, and war, it is impossible for me to understand how these can be good. I can’t wrap my head around it, because it seems unjust. I grapple with these things on an intellectual level, but in the end I retreat into a leap of faith, admitting that a power as vast as God must be, there is no possible way I can understand the infinite permutations of destiny, the colorful threads connecting a universe larger than my puny mind can comprehend. When it’s personal, though, is when it becomes dangerous for me. My faith is not strong enough.

I recognize the futility of it. I understand there is no arguing with God, and that nothing good can possibly come of the attempt. And still I’m guilty of it. I look around at things, and I say to myself, “that’s not fair. Why?” It is ultimately a selfish emotion, at its root, even if it is couched in compassion. What I’m truly saying is “Why Me?” Which is absurd, human, and a bit pathetic.

I had a discussion recently with a Godly man, a much wiser one than I. I told him I was feeling rankled with God. ” Yes, I’ve made some big mistakes, made some dumb decisions, I said. I’m trying hard to rely on God, and I’m not seeing any improvements. In fact, things are getting worse.”

“I see,” he said, nodding his head. “So you’re angry with God because of things you did, and now you’re upset because He’s not fixing things as quickly as you like? Did I get that right.”

I had to sheepishly agree with him, and recognizing that made me feel a bit better. There are consequences. Perhaps it’s not God’s role to make those go away.

I’m working at focusing on the good, seeking out the light, and infusing my life with a greater sense of gratitude, for anger is a poison in our veins, a killing toxin. A life bereft of hope is tragic and lonely. I’m lowering my fist.

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Hero of My Own Life

Posted on April 2, 2014 by Sean T. Smith

“Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.“

This is the opening line from my favorite Charles Dickens book, David Copperfield. The line pierced me when I read it back in high school, again in college, and now, as a forty-five year old man with more life in the rear-view than on the horizon. In my youth, the line held promise and exhortation and there was joy in reading it. Now, though, it feels different. I’m more than halfway through, and I am a hollow hero at my best, anti-hero perhaps, and villain at my worst. My own characters, the heroes, would despise me. I’ve been stabbed, shot at, punched and hurt. I’ve squandered love and money and friendship and decades for the idea that I was that hero in my own story, some kind of Harlan Howard, Steinbeck, Hemingway creation, and well… No. The story is mine, and there are no heroes. Maybe God should have been, but he wasn’t. I tried, and I guess if He wanted to then it would have been more apparent who the hero was.

It ain’t over yet. I’d love to see something spectacular. I’d love to see a hero.

Hope: Light in the Darkness

Posted on January 12, 2014 by Sean T. Smith

When the world gets close and mean and hard, hope is what gets us through. Without hope, we succumb to depression, have the urge to curl up and crawl into an even darker hole. If we can’t envision a way out, then we stay and die, either slowly and metaphorically in a life of quiet desperation, or in an ultimate surrender to the abyss. Darkness will win if we let it.

We battle the darkness with hope, and the struggle becomes most important when it is the most intense. When the rough patch appears to be endless and all we see are hard times ahead, that is when we must stand up and fight the hardest. A man without hope is already dead.

There is no easy solution, no silver bullet. The path will be different for each person, but there are some things that will be universal. To feel hope, we must acknowledge it and seek it out. By focusing on what is good and true light rather than the evil and dark. Desperation and depression can have a gravity all their own, can pull in our will to survive and ability to smile with the force of a black hole, sucking all that is decent from our world. But if we battle the darkness, we can overcome it.

Connectivity is vital. We must feel connected to the people and the world around us. If we focus more on the real love we feel for others, and for the love reflected back upon us, we are less likely to feel isolated, alone, abandoned. Committing a random act of kindness for another helps, too. I stopped the other day on the interstate and helped a family whose car had broken down. It turned my bleak mood around.

Faith moves mountains. I believe in God, and I lean on Him. But for those who do not believe in a higher power, faith in loved ones, faith in humanity, faith in self are better than believing in nothing. When I find my faith faltering, I know I’m losing hope and darkness is winning. I try to regain my faith through prayer, interaction with others, and time outdoors. A walk in the woods or a stroll by the ocean can help me to feel restored.

Life is hard, too short, and often not fair. But it can be beautiful, too. I try to remember that when things get the hardest. I often don’t take my own advice, because knowing a thing and acting upon it are two very different things. But in the end, light is more powerful than darkness; light can always penetrate, defeat, and banish it. I am doing my best to look for it, and to be a light myself, lest the darkness consume me.